Conversations with My Mother

Me: "Mom? Remember when I was little and nothing was child-proofed? How the playground was rife with metal, rust and sharp, pointy objects?"

Mom: "Uh huh.."

Me: "Remember the big metal slides? How you always got stuck to them?"

Mom: "And the backs of your legs fried because the metal had been baking in the sun all day..."

Me: "Right, and since you were stuck because sticky child flesh doesn't exactly glide on metal, you'd burn.."

Mom: "Until you scooted yourself down the slide.."

Me: "Or the kid behind you barreled into you, shoving you down the slide into the rough gravel at the bottom.."

Mom: "Into the kid climbing up the slide, then into the gravel.."

Me: "Right, and there was always that one kid who peed on the slide, effectively ruining it for all.."

Mom: "Good times, good times.."

Me: "Good times.."

***

Mom: "Put it on Oprah now!!"

Me: "...?"

Mom: "Oprah! Now!"

Me: "Ok.. Any particular reason why?"

Mom: "This lady! She's in her 60s and she looks like she could be in her 30s!"

Me: "While I won't deny that she looks fabulous for her age, she doesn't quite look.."

Mom: "Shh! She's talking!"

Me: Upon hearing her secret to youthful skin, "Vaginal cream and Preparation H?"

Mom: "Hee!"

Me: "I think I'm finally speechless.."

***

Me: "I love these jeans, but they need to make them higher in the back for my big ass.."

Mom: "I have no butt and I'm constantly hoisting them up."

Me: "So imagine the plumber's crack I'm sporting right now. And you look fantastic in those jeans."

Mom: "I know. That's why I keep wearing them."